Another lovely day!

I love my bike. No, I really mean it. I LOVE my bike. I've missed my bike rides to and from work SO much. I didn't realize it until this afternoon as I glided home (and huffed up a few hills). I've missed my precious bike so much lately. I think my bike needs a name. Anyway, it was fantastic.

My toes look really weird to me today. Maybe it's because I haven't given them a good look in a long time since they've been in socks and shoes all winter. My toes just look... chubby and weird to me tonight. They bend funny too. Toes are funny things. Kind of like eyebrows... when you think about it. Caterpillars crawling across your forehead...

Abby and I had dinner together tonight. She's trying to convince me to take on a cat. I would LOVE to take on a cat - I've always wanted one, but was afraid to get one because I didn't think I'd be in Seattle much longer. But now, as we all know, that's changed. However, I'm not so sure that my housemates would be all hot on the idea of having a pet. In fact, I'm pretty sure that they'd hate the idea. So anyway, if any of you know of someone who wants a recently spayed little kitty who needs a home (a siamese/tabby cross) let me know. I don't think we can take it on.

Furthermore, I'm pondering getting my own place again. I did this last year at this exact same time. Something about the end of February makes me hate living in a house with other people. It's a conflict over the phone, more often than not.

Abby was coaching me a bit about my love life. I've been obsessing over boys and crushes lately. Yes, some of it is fallout from last week, but some of it has been going on for some time. I have a few problems. Namely:

1. I'm painfully shy about my crushes. I'm mortified if anyone finds out I have a crush on them.

2. I have a pathological fear of rejection.

3. I have serious lack of self-confidence, which boys can pick up on from miles away, I'm sure.

4. I have a tendency to set up my crushes with my friends. I figure, heck, if I can't have them, let's at least have them go out with my friends - it's the next best thing.

5. I explicitly tell my crushes that "oh, I didn't mean that to sound like I was flirting." Even though I was totally flirting and did mean it. Yes, I lie. (lyric moment: "We don't say everything that we could so that we can say later 'oh, you misunderstood.'" The story of my life.)

It's no wonder that I keep dating guys who aren't quite right for me - I keep telling the guys I really like that I don't really like them - that I didn't mean it that way.

I might need therapy.

When Ben was here, he said that I reminded him a little of Amelie. I may have written about this before, so forgive me if I repeat myself. Anyway, I first took it as a compliment, and I'm sure that he meant it that way. But at the same time, I thought maybe he thought that I'd do some of those weird things that she did. And now I realize that I AM like Amelie in that I'm terrified of going after someone I'm really interested in - except through bizzare courting rituals such as the knee touching thing back in high school. And now, as one friend recently mused, they're even more complex than they were back then - the little signs and subtleties. I feel like my subtleties are flashing neon signs, but Abby says, (and I choose to believe her - she is, after all, the voice of reason) that my subtleness is way the hell too subtle. If I have any hope of not being a spinster, I've got to go out there and face my pathological fear of rejection one of these days.

Next Saturday might be one of those days. We're going salsa dancing at the Capitol Ballroom. Or is it the Century Ballroom? Whatever. Salsa. With lessons. For free! One, Two, Cha cha cha! Let's see if I can let down my hair and give these hips a wiggle. God, it makes me blush just thinking about it.

I think I just did it again.