Here's an entry dedicated to The Boy.

First, let's cut the shit. His name is John. Somehow, I thought that if I didn't bother putting his name in here, he'd never be able to be sure that it was him. Though now, looking back, that's kind of silly really. I mean, there are millions of Johns out there. I dated three of them myself last March.

As I am sure most of you are familiar, John and I have been going through... well some bad times, I guess. Let me just run over some background info for you. We started dating last March. I really really liked him a good deal. We were terribly different, but somehow, it seemed so crazy that maybe it would work. I'm a vegetarian - he's a voracious meat eater whose idea of a good reciepe is one stick of butter, one chicken, one jar of honey. I don't have a TV and more or less, I don't like to watch too much TV - he has a giant TV, a DVD player, a VCR, and he schedules himself around West Wing, The Simpsons etc. We're incredibly different. I could go on for hours. I don't know what we have in common at all now that I think about it. Things were up and down and there was a time that I was sure he was about to dump me in July. But there were some really great days too. There were warm summer evenings when we lay up in his bedroom on the boat with the doors flung wide open, teasing each other and laughing for hours. I built him a garden for his boat - hours planting in big pots that wouldn't blow over - tiny pieces of dirt flying in my eyes from the wind, Fourth of July boaters going by so often and rocking the house that I was nearly sea sick. He was away that weekend and I was houseboat sitting. Anyway, there were good times. He showed me all kinds of great resturaunts (to the point that I'm a bit sick of eating out, though it's ok to do once a week or so, I just can't keep it up to the levels he likes), he found all kinds of neat things, he's been the best lover I've ever had, I got to go camping with a real live boyfriend! I've dated him longer than anyone else in my life, ever.

And then in August, after a particularly good night of lots of fun, he curled up next to me in my bed and told me that he'd been thinking about breaking up with me. But that he really liked me, so he didn't want to (or didn't think he wanted to) anymore. That made me cry. It also made me feel incredibly unsure of our relationship - I'd actually been feeling pretty secure before that. And then we went through about a month where he "wasn't attracted to" me anymore. There were a few good times after that, but I never regained confidence in our relationship.

And it was one night, when I was thinking about all of this that I realized in almost the exact same moment that I loved him, but also couldn't stay with him. I really do care about him quite a lot, despite anything I've ever said on here. This has been in part, a forum for me to vent my frustrations and my insecurities about my boyfriend. He IS a sweet-heart. He is a cutie. He is often good company. The last thing on earth I'd ever want to do is to hurt him. But, I right now, I don't think I could marry him. But, I don't want to go through the painful experience of a breakup. Part of me is staying with him because I'm insecure and I can't imagine that there's anyone else out there anywhere who would go out with me (except for "Cubby" maybe)and who else could accept me for who I am besides him? Part of me is staying with him because I like the companionship (and the sex) and the thought of being without him is so lonesome. And then there's the part of me that thinks maybe things will get better sometime soon, the part that hangs on to the really good moments that still happen now and then. I've always thought of John and I as being a very odd couple, but all of my friends (except Abby) say nice things about him and make me think that maybe I'm too judgemental (I AM horribly judgemental - it's a side effect of having low self-esteem). So I don't know. And I've been putting off dealing with it for various holidays and birthdays and vacation etc.

But then tonight.

Tonight... ah... tonight.

Tonight I decided to check out the link on RDG's page to The Stranger, a local newspaper. It just so happens that John and I originally met via those nerve.com personals that The Stranger has online. We bounced a few emails back and forth, but I'd decided he was a loser and I didn't write him anymore. Then I ran into a familiar looking guy at a coffee shop, and by that night, we were dating. So I decided to go back and look at that personal from oh-so-long ago. I remember looking at it back in ... oh... September or so, and it was the same as it had been in March. But tonight... the photo was date-stamped for December the 6th. The last time the profile had been modified was on January 31st. The relationship status says "single."

So, he's looking for someone.

And while I write this entry, he's in another window sending me instant messages. We've been talking about it while I write this. He says he was "bored" and decided to "mess around with" his profile. That he always hated the other picture (I did too). And he says he is really sorry. But still, despite the fact that I feel like we've been breaking up in slow-mo for the last four months, my feelings are hurt. I wish that he'd at least broken it off first. I mean, yeah, it's sad. I WISH it could work out. I wish I could be with him always. I wish that our personalities were more suited. I really WISH that we could work out, but it looks like we can't. And he must think so too, hence the personal ad. But it still hurts my feelings something awful. I'm still sad. Extra sad now. Maybe that's not fair of me because I've been thinking about breaking up on and off for a while now myself, but at least I didn't put out an internet personal before hand. Of course, who am I to talk? He could just as easily stumble onto this diary and be at least as hurt if not more hurt than I am over the things I have said here. Fucking internet. So many new ways to hurt each other with all of this new technology. I've been such the fool to keep this stupid diary on-line and to be so honest in it. He just took the personal down.

I just hope that we can still be friends. I have the feeling that this is going to come to an end sometime very shortly.

But even though I've been seeing it coming, I'm miserable. Even though it's probably more from my side, I'm still crushed. I want to hide in my closet for the next month. I want to run away and leave Seattle and go live with my parents. This is one of those times I wish I had a vice - you know, alcohol, nicotine, opiates... something. But I'm going to put on a happy face and get through this. It will be ok. I'm just going to have to develop a fun crush to entertain myself out of my funk. Yeah, that sounds healthy.