Bet you thought I was dead. Well I fooled you! I'm still alive and I still have every intention of continuing to update this journal.

And... I finally have something that is very post-worthy.

On Tuesday after work, I was running to catch the bus. As I was crossing the street to my stop, I noticed a woman who looked a little bit like a 55 year old Joan Jett standing in front of the stop screaming "FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUU! YEAH! FUH-UHCK YOU!" flipping me the bird. I figured that she must be screaming at someone behind me because I certainly didn't know her, but I looked and no one was there. So then I thought she must be crazy and that she was screaming at me. Well, I was half-right anyway. I realized as I got closer that she was screaming at every metro bus that went by. This went on for a good ten minutes or so, until finally, the 101 pulled up.

She got on the bus right in front of me and announced to everyone within earshot that "This is the bus straight to HELLLLLLLL! It's full of Satanists, Poltergeists and Catholics." She lingered in the middle of the bus, so I headed to the back and sat down next to a fellow who had a lot of tattoos - they looked rather homemade, so let's just call him the parolee. There were also a bunch of high school kids and gangstas in the back with me. The crazy lady wandered back a little closer and stood in the back doorway. She explained to the poor guys across the aisle from her that she was there "Just in case a POLTERGEIST or a crunkmonkey tries to get in." (What is a crunkmonkey? Did I mis-hear this?) This set the high-schoolers into fits of laughter, and Mr. Parolee pulled his headphones off so he could listen to her better. I got out my notebook and actually started to take notes.

"You can go from here to Cairo in 11 hours non-stop." She blathered on for a while and I couldn't really understand anything she said except "Crack and cocaine." By the time we got to the entry to I-5, the high school kids and the gangstas had gotten off and it was just me and the parolee in the back, so the crazy lady decided to join us. She sat directly across from me. Her teeth were all red (from, I hope, smeared lipstick). She began to address me directly. She kept saying "They got me here! And here!" pointing to the Nike-esque swooshes on her shoes.

"The orphans in Cairo laid 17,000 mines around the Mediterranean Sea. So you have to go out in the street. You know what they do to women like us in the streets in Georgia? They kill them in a million pieces and eat them."

Once we hit the busway in Seattle, the driver brought on the Metro Police. He came to the back of the bus and explained to the lady that the driver thought that she might have a problem with him and that the other riders have a right to ride in peace and quiet.

Metro Police (MP): Where are you headed?
Crazy Lady (CL): What do they got there in Seattle?
MP: Do you want to continue to ride the bus?
CL: Do you think I want to listen to them? I don't want to listen to them either! I don't want to hear them anymore!
MP: Do you want to continue to ride this bus, ma'am?
CL: I'll tell you something. I'm in the wrong city, the wrong country, the wrong EXISTENCE. It's all perfectly clear to me now.
MP: Ma'am, DO YOU WANT TO CONTINUE TO RIDE THIS BUS?
CL: I'd rather ride in my own private spaceship jet.

Yeah, well wouldn't we all?

So then, the parolee decided to step in. Let me tell you that this is a man with (I kid you not) "FUCK YOU!" tattooed across his knuckles in gothic letters. He said to the Metro Police man with a totally straight face, "I'm offended by the words she's using. That's why I got my headphones on." I started giggling uncontrollably. The poor Metro Police guy probably thought he was surrounded by crazy people.

Eventually, the MP got off the bus, the crazy lady stayed on, and we continued our merry way to Seattle. Before I got off the bus, she gave me one last little speech:

"I'm in the wrong EXISTENCE. The wrong city. I'll go to Cairo where the Egyptians built the pyramids in perfect alignment and maybe a spaceship will come pick me up. We'll go to Boston where the Catholic Churches are all closed. And the witches will take me into their witch houses. We'll go away from all this shit in this SHIT country 'cause it's all FUCKED UP."
Amen, sister.