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A terrible choice to have to make // 2004-02-26


I talked to my grandmother, for what was probably the last time ever tonight. We said our "I love you's" and she asked me if I was going to come see her tomorrow.

I tried to find cheap airfare to go see her, but the cheapest I can find, leaving tomorrow, is for $350. She probably won't survive the weekend, and may not even survive until tomorrow. So, I'm left feeling a bit guilty and confused. Tonight's debate is this: should I go to see her for 21 hours tomorrow afternoon/saturday morning? I feel like a sick fucker because the question comes down to this - is it worth $350 and a long flight to see my grandmother one last time - with the possibility that she won't wake up while I'm there and the possibility that she will pass before I get there? She hopes that I can make it. We haven't been as close in the last few years. She lives with some man who is a complete stranger to me, and I'm very uncomfortable with staying there when no other family is around (my dad will be there until Saturday afternoon). I don't know what to do. I don't think I'm going.

I feel like a very very bad person. I just want to cry.

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