Ok, so yes, as previously stated, everything went to hell this weekend. But I'm feeling ok right now, and I think if I write about this, I will feel better. So here's the story.

So you all know about the infamous personal ad incident if you've been reading for more than three days. If not, just go back two entries. Also, I was supposed to be having a birthday party on Friday. Yes, it was Valentines day, however, I don't know many if ANY couples, so I figured that it would be pretty safe. However, things did not go as planned. At all. First off, pretty much everyone said they couldn't come. It came down to the following cast of characters who were supposed to be coming:

RePete - Former housemate's former boyfriend (Emilie, that is, who moved away in December). Also former boyfriend of former housemate, Abby.

Lauri - Former roommate from college, who very often sits and reads newspapers in the other room during parties. Otherwise, she tends to sit in the room and complain loudly about everything. She can be a great person to have around when you need comforting or if you want to bitch about stuff, but it takes a seasoned friend to be able to be around her for long periods of time especially if you're supposed to be jovial. I like her fairly well, but most of my other friends aren't quite as fond of her.

Becca- housemate, staying for about a half an hour before heading to another party.

Abby - former housemate, great friend, ex-girlfriend of RePete and also HATES Lauri.

BostonBoy - Abby's new man, visiting in town. RePete does NOT want to meet him or see him period. BostonBoy and Abby were not to arrive until about 9:00.

Reddirtgirl - You know who she is. She was also going to bring T-Rock and Rachel.

John - aka The Boy - who I had just discovered the personal ad for the night before and we had yet to really talk about it as much as we should have.

So, I got home and found the following messages: a call from RePete saying that he wasn't going to stay for long at all because he didn't want to run into Abby and BostonBoy - he'd show for about a half hour. Becca was going to leave after about a half hour as well. Abby and BostonBoy weren't sure if/when they'd show up after all because of some thing with some dinner reservations blah blah.

So this would mean that for the duration of the "party" I would have RDG, John, and Lauri. Lauri, the veritable bump on the log at parties, John with whom things were horribly awkward, and RDG who is awesome - and her two friends. I started to head down to the local grocery store to buy a cake and suddenly, i was hit with a wave of depression and desperation. I realized that 1) buying my own birthday cake was somehow overwhelmingly depressing for me and that 2) I was going to have to try and be entertaining. And the thought of entertaining everyone... well it's hard to entertain Lauri and John period. And things were bad enough with John anyway... just the thought of the whole thing overwhelmed me. I got so far as buying the cake, but by the time I was back at my house, I just couldn't do it. I was in tears. I guess I had a little bit of a nervous breakdown or something. So I called everyone and cancelled. I took the cake over to RDG's house. John showed up anyway to try to comfort me. He actually brought me the sweetest valentine ever. He wrote me a haiku also. And he felt like it was all his fault for the personal ad thing - but it wasn't that. Not really. I mean, that was part of the whole awkward thing, but it was also all of the people who weren't coming or who had issues with each other and all of the awkwardness and... just the effort of being with people. I just couldn't do it. I know, I sound crazy. It all seems crazy to me now. But that night, I was just overwhelmed with sadness and I just could NOT do it. I knew I'd be in tears before the night was out. And damn it, it was MY birthday party and by god, if I wanted to cancell it, I should have every right!

So John showed up, and I did what people are supposed to do on valentines day. I went out with my boyfriend. We got some takeout food and a movie and we went to bed over at his place.

But in the morning, i was still feeling really sad and... I knew that there was something I had to do that I'd been waffling back and forth over for so long. So, I broke up with him. Let's just say that he was a lot more upset than I thought he would be and the whole episode was dreadful. It broke my heart.

And then we went on the march together. There were a lot more people marching than I'd ever seen march in Seattle before. Now, the WTO may have been bigger, but I don't really know because I never saw them all in one go. This march, at one point, I could see about 20 blocks worth of people. I could see from Pike Place market down past Pioneer Square and down to the International district at one point, and a few minutes before, I could see from Westlake (about 4 blocks north of the Market) to somewhere close to the Space Needle (when I went up on some stairs to see how far back I could see). That's far. And John came with me, which really impressed me because he's usually pretty staunchly non-political.

Later, we went out for some dinner and had a gut-wrenching conversation that again, put us both in tears.

And then I got a call from my housemates on John's cell phone. Apparently, my family had been trying to get in touch with me all day. So... with a sinking heart, I called my mom. My great Aunt Evelyn died. She was my favorite aunt. Whenever I went home, i was always very excited to go visit her. We also wrote letters back and forth a bit. In fact, I got a card from her on my birthday. I hadn't told her about my trip yet - when I was in Michigan, it was her son and grandson, Phillip and Andrew, that i was staying with. And I hadn't told her about my new job. I was going to write her on Sunday to tell her about it. She was 85 or so, and still quite functional for an old lady. She could still drive and everything - and she wasn't one of those scary old lady drivers either! Anyway, she was one of my favorite relatives - EVER. I wanted to go home for the funeral, but it seems like the airports are kind of closed and all considering that they got about 3 feet of snow where I'd be flying in. So I'm really sad that I couldn't go. I had a good long cry over it. I'm going to miss her something awful. She's the grandmother I always wished I had.

The one good thing I can say about this weekend is that had I not cancelled that birthday party, I would have gotten a call from my dad in the middle of it telling me about my Aunt Evelyn having died. So, I guess that part is good - not having gotten a call about a death in the middle of a birthday party.

The rest of this weekend, I've been cleaning off and on... and being with John some... wondering if I made a mistake. Trying to figure out what boundaries we need to have.

And now I'm going to do something that really rubs me all the wrong way when I see other people do it. I'm going to quote a song. But it's a short quote, so shut up.

"What am I reaching for that's better than a hand to hold?" - Dar Williams (Travelling)